Yawn!

Saw this on Facebook the other day and chuckled:

Lots of people talk about parenting being "hard" which I don't think it is, really. There's nothing particularly difficult about it. But it is challenging, mind numbing, infuriating, joyous, funny and mentally and physically tiring. 

I've been feeling pretty good about how I'm coping with my two bundles, considering the horror stories I was told about having two children.

But I am really, really tired. So tired, in fact, that I bought a pregnancy test last weekend! Which was horrifying for a number of reasons, not least the fact that on the list of "Things I Want To Happen Right Now", Get Pregnant absolutely does not feature. Anyway, crisis averted, I realised I am actually just exhausted.

Parenting is an active job. J is wearing a pedometer at the moment, aiming to reach at least 10,000 steps a day for a work challenge. On office days where he doesn't fit in exercise, he really struggles to meet his target, in fact one day he clocked as low as 2,500! I couldn't wait for his first full day at home with the kids to see how that measured up, and I wasn't disappointed - he did 12,500 steps.

It's physical. My muscles are sore from lifting kids ALL day. My back aches. And I only have two of them! How my mother in law and grandmother had seven is actually beyond me.

But what I find more trying is how mentally exhausting it is. It is at times mind numbingly boring, and you can actually feel the brain cells dropping off. At other times you are in a futile battle with a toddler over getting dressed and your newborn is overtired and screaming and you feel as if your brain may explode out of your ears. Then there are the 100,000 things you need to organise and remember, the dates and grocery lists and information that need to be stored inside your otherwise under-utilised brain.

I'm not whinging! I love it and never want to do anything else. I'm just tired.

Z x

Buddhism and Desire

Years ago I was given a book as a gift, 1000 Quotes of Buddhist Wisdom. It was one of those things that was nice to receive but never really appreciated, sitting on my bookshelf unread amongst travel guides and books on the art of illustration.

Recently I cleaned out my bookshelves and had a HUGE purge, sick of books I've read once and am never going to read again collecting dust when they could be appreciated by others. So I came across this book and, given that I'd had a stressful morning, decided to flick through in the hope of finding something inspiring, which I did. A few things actually.

And so it happened that I now go to this book every now and then, generally when I'm on the verge of a breakdown because it's 11am and I'm still in my pyjamas and I've had no personal space for 48 hours, to find something to calm me. Perspective, I believe it's called.

Something that other more spiritual folk than I may know is that a huge element of Buddhism is the elimination of desire, which is essentially viewed as the root of all unhappiness. Which makes sense, of course - if we want for nothing, we are truly at peace and happy. Which got me thinking about how materialistic I am, and how much I desire. The current list includes:

- Three separate pairs of black boots
- A new lounge and dining table
- To shop the 30% sale on an amazing Swedish kids website
- Some Country Road picture frames
- Anything that pops up in my inbox on sale, which is a lot at this time of year

The dining table in particular has been an item of obsession. I saw it months ago and gradually convinced J that we needed it, even plotting what I could sell to afford it and almost daily going online to fawn over it. I've actually laid in bed visualising our dining area with it and a large artwork I'm having framed, just feeling excited. Which is really sad and depressing now that I write it down.

Because will the acquisition of said dining table actually make me happy? No. It will be really satisfying and make life easier. But it won't make me happy. I will just want something else, because that is who I am and the world I live in.

SO, I am taking time off from desire! Every time I covet something, I am going to remind myself of what I have. Every time I envy another person, I am going to remind myself that having what they have will not increase my own happiness. And only appreciating and savouring what I do have will.

NAMASTE!

p.s. I'm still buying the dining table.

Z x