The Art of Judgement

Let's admit it: mothers judge other mothers. I'm not saying all mothers and I'm not saying all the time, but it's something that I notice rather frequently both in daily life and in the media. Breastfeeding, starting solids, bedtime routines, play activities - we all do it differently and we all think our way is best, because of course we only want the best for the people we love most.

When reading blogs for women and mothers online, I'm constantly baffled by the level of judgement out there. For example, a comment relating to a woman who had dropped her kids at the library alone - "The fact that you would let your child wander around a library alone is sickening". Um, that's sickening? Really? Don't hold back, people.

Some say that there's nothing wrong with judgement, that it's just "having an opinion". Personally, I think there's a big difference between having an opinion and passing judgement. That's why they're not, linguistically, the same thing. Having an opinion is saying "Breastfeeding is better for your child than formula feeding," whereas judgement is looking at another woman and thinking "I can't believe she's feeding her baby formula - what a terrible mother."

The face of mothers everywhere

I might be giving women and mothers a hard time here, but I genuinely don't think men are judgemental beasts. It became clear to me at the local pool recently. It was a stinking hot day and of course half our suburb had decided they felt like a swim, so we'd had to park far enough from the pool that we might as well have walked. My husband and I carried one baby, one fully stocked nappy bag, one overflowing beach bag and one handbag all the way to the pool, only to get there and realise we hadn't brought Heike's hat. Neither of us was particularly keen to draw the short straw of going all the way back to the car, but luckily the pool has a large undercover area. Still, I decided that I couldn't take Heike into the water without a hat.

Justus thought this was ludicrous.

"It's so hot! And she'll only be in there for five minutes before she starts screaming. And she would have ripped her hat off anyway!"

"But all the other mothers will be staring at me thinking 'What kind of woman doesn't bring her baby a hat?'"

This prompted Justus to give me one of his drawn-out exaggerated eye rolls and a giant sigh. He absolutely refused to believe that any woman would give us a second thought, let alone ruminate on the failures of my parenting.

But I knew they would.

I recounted the story to a girlfriend with a baby girl the same age as Heike a few days later. When I told her what I thought the other mothers were thinking, she said yes, they probably were judging me. She got it. Because she's a woman too.

So why do women and mothers just know they're being judged? Well, because we ourselves judge. Yep, that's right, guilty. As much as I constantly bang on about not judging others, and not knowing other peoples personal circumstances, my evil little subconscious is constantly finding things to judge people on before my caring, conscious self can talk her down.

Recently I was at a mother's group catch up, the perfect breeding ground for judgemental thoughts. One clearly exhausted Mum said she just didn't know how to occupy and entertain her very active little boy.

"I think I'm creating a television addict!" she said. "I end up sitting him in front of the TV all day!"

We all nodded understandingly, but looking around I could see scores of twitching eyebrows just dying to be raised. Sure enough, as soon as this woman left, it began.

"Do you put Lucy in front of the television?" "I read no screen time until two years old!" "Did she say she puts him there all day?"

And I can't say I'm any better. I did have those same thoughts.

All this has prompted the inevitable question: why are we so judge-y? Psychology professors in America have recently linked judgmental thoughts to narcissistic behaviour and low self esteem. Professor Dustin Wood and his colleagues found that judging others negatively is associated with "a huge suite of negative personality traits" including general unhappiness, antisocial behaviour and neurotic tendencies. Conversely, viewing others positively is generally associated with happy, stable individuals.

I don't buy it though. So many happy, balanced, loving women I know judge others all the time. My theory is that there is just so much information out there, in books and in the media, telling women ho they should parent and what is right and wrong, that the moment someone strays from this they are judged as inferior. The amount of times my own mother has said "We didn't have parenting books in my day" is irritatingly high, however she does have a point. Maybe if we all trusted our instincts, and those of our capable fellow women, we'd be less inclined to pass judgement so quickly.

Be sure to comment if you think I'm a totally crap mother for writing this when I should be folding washing ;-)

Z xx