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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Sleep Whispering

I feel like quite a few of my blog posts recently have involved me whinging about the behaviour of my toddler. I'll be honest, I could write another one tonight - two year old's are full on. I've been completely exhausted these last few weeks and kind of had a brain snap today which resulted in my husband coming home early to rescue me (or perhaps our daughter). But I want to write about something positive, because of course motherhood is more positive than negative and while my daughter isn't the best behaved toddler on the block there are many things she does very well.

One of these is sleep. She has slept twelve hours a night, sometimes more, uninterrupted since six months old. Prior to this she woke once a night from six weeks old. No matter what issues we've had during the day, which have included some nasty illnesses and minor accidents, her sleep of an evening has been pretty much unaffected. Two exceptions have been when she had hand foot and mouth and needed to be rocked to sleep, and a bout of 5/5.30am waking at around eight months old. That's it.

I definitely believe some of this comes down to luck - and genetics - I myself am a great sleeper. My husband is a restless sleeper and apparently was as a child too. That said, I've always been very strict when it comes to sleep. We have a young relative who has always been a nightmare sleeper and we always said we'd do whatever it took to avoid the issues her parents have with her. So from day one I didn't want any nonsense at bed time.

I don't claim to be an expert when it comes to sleep. Hardly - I've pulled my hair out over naps more times than I can count. I'm also aware that many will disagree with my approach. But I've definitely learnt a lot these past few years, including the fact that of all my mother's group, every single mother has eventually resorted to teaching their child to self settle, whether they did it at one month or one year.

This is the aim!


With that in mind, these are my top tips for teaching your child to sleep:

1) ROUTINE: Put your child to bed at the same time every night, and establish a firm bedtime routine - ours is bath, books, bed, but really whatever winds your child down and signals sleep time is fine. We were completely uptight with H and always had her in bed by 7pm from two weeks old, which of course meant that we always needed a babysitter or only one of us could head out, but do I regret it? No WAY. I will do it again. Once the child is sleeping well there is room to wiggle - we sometimes head out until 8.30pm or so these days and H copes, as long as she is back to her now bedtime of 7.30pm the next night.

2) Never rock your child to sleep: Now of course, you can rock your child to sleep if you bloody well like, I don't care. But if you really want to establish good sleeping habits, resist the temptation. Don't just leave them to "cry it out" - I genuinely spent HOURS patting H to sleep to the sound of white noise on my iPhone rather than rock her. It wasn't easy. But it worked, eventually.

3) That said, crying isn't lethal: I always cringe when I see a parent run to their child's every whimper. The only way a baby can communicate is to cry. If you actually allow your child to cry, you will quickly be able to determine what kind of cry it is you're hearing - I became an expert at distinguishing the "I'm tired and I'm putting myself to sleep" cry and the "I'm tired but I'm so bloody tired I'll never get to AAAAAAAH" cry. The latter required intervention (and still does!) while the former really NEEDED to be ignored so my daughter could put herself to sleep. It was usually about a ten second cry with a 15-30 second gap in between cries.

4) Keep them out of your bed: My aforementioned relative is nearly eight and still climbs into Mum and Dad's bed every night. If you're okay with this, great. My husband and I are totally not. We are both tall and our bed is full. We need our time to ourselves and we don't plan to have an only child, so it's just not practical for us. I let H sleep with me ONCE and it took days to undo that damage. Months of sleeping together could take up to a year to undo - if, as I say, you don't want that, then just don't start. It's not worth it.

5) Napping - sometimes they just WON'T sleep: H was always a difficult napper and can still be tough. That said, due to my anal tendencies I persevered and she generally naps very well. Still, there were so many days where she would have a 20 minute sleep or simply not sleep at all and I would sit for HOURS patting and shushing and singing and ending up having a meltdown. I would have been far better off getting her up, having a play and trying again in an hour. I think I just put so much focus on her sleeping that I had my blinkers on. As much as I would do it all the same way, I would definitely take a more relaxed approach to naps. If you do it right at night, the day will largely take care of itself, and from mothers groups and the like I've learnt that all kids nap VERY differently.

6) Wrap: I had to wrap my daughter SO tight as a baby in order for her to settle. Most Mums do this anyway these days but it's worth mentioning - I used Love Me baby wraps.

7) White Noise: I downloaded a White Noise baby app on my phone when H was about three weeks old and she went to sleep to the tune of rain for weeks afterwards. H started sleeping 7pm-4am at six weeks but would then be really hard to settle back down, and white noise really saved us then too - it just settled her right down. Apparently it sounds like the mother's womb, which comforts them. Can't recommend this enough!

8) Use a comforter: We used a dummy with H which is totally cheating but I swear, I will use it again. Unfortunately she still has it, which is annoying as she is not only two but looks closer to three, but I really couldn't give a stuff what anyone thinks. I know she will give it up when I can be bothered to make her. As well as the "Dum Dum" we gave H a stuffed bunny that she still takes to bed with her today - it is great as not only a sleep signal but a comfort at bed time.

Honestly, it is just that simple. It's not EASY, but it's simple. Obviously there are always other issues at play - personality, disposition, size, health and so forth. But the majority of healthy, well fed and tired babies should be able to sleep at least six hours straight at night. If you're lucky enough to have one who sleeps all night, woohoo! You might just get one who gives you the run around all DAY to make up for it.

Z x


Monday, August 12, 2013

Tips and Tricks of the Parenting Trade

Last week I went along to a parenting night organised by my mother's group. One of the girls had heard a child behavioural expert, Janet Cater, speak at her daughter's daycare and contacted her about meeting with us one evening as a group to answer all our most pressing questions. Being that we all have terrible two year olds, there were many questions indeed.

Funnily enough, she started the night off by joking that although she is an expert, she doesn't have any great advice for two year olds, who are apparently in a league of their own - "Get back to me when they're three," I believe her advice was, which was excellent considering they're all just turning two. What a year we're in for!

As I've said before, I've been dealing with challenging behaviours for MANY MONTHS so I'm hoping by 2.5 we'll have outgrown the terrible two phase. This is unrealistic but it gets me by. Whatever works, right?

Despite the fact that Janet has no advice for parents of two year olds she did have lots of practical advice for dealing with very specific behaviours such as hitting (hooray!), tantrums, jealousy of younger siblings and so forth. She also gave some interesting insights into the way toddlers' brains work and why they're sometimes impossible to reach.

Since meeting Janet, I've been a very PC parent! There have been no "NO"'s, no finger pointing, and certainly no use of the dreaded "N" word (naughty, that is). This has lasted three days and while it is wearing thin, it actually has been effective. Here are the three major strategies I've been using:

1) Talking LOTS about gentle touches

"Oh look how gently Mummy is touching baby dolly. Can you show me how to gently touch baby dolly?" etc. See what I mean, totally PC! H is very motherly and LOVES stroking her assortment of dolls and stuffed animals, so this part is easy.

The more challenging part is when we leave the house. I have to address her before we leave and ask her to please remember her gentle touches. Then when we're out, if she hits or pushes, I need to address the VICTIM and ask if s/he's okay, then explain that H is still learning about gentle play and she forgot her gentle touches. THEN I need to address H and remind her to remember gentle touches, or we'll take a break. PHEW! It's more laborious than just saying no but I can definitely see it being effective in the long run. Parents of hitters, give it a go!

2) Talking lots about sharing

Janet said that the majority of children hit because they simply don't understand sharing, and if this is coupled with a dominant personality (um, yep!) it can be more of a significant "problem". H doesn't have any siblings yet so she really has no idea about sharing. Honestly, we have barely ANY behaviour problems at home and I think this is down to the fact that H has reign of the house. She actually has a great attention span and is very independent, so can play alone happily for upwards of 45 minutes - as long as no one gets in her way! Then it's on.

So, I've realised that I need to play more with her at home and really focus this time on sharing. Janet suggested setting up activities that are targeted at taking turns, such as games of knocking things down or building things together. I've really focused on talking about "turns" over the last few days so hopefully this will pay off.

3) Singing about everything

Lots of the Mums present last week are having issues when it comes to feeding, dressing or getting in the bath. You know, just that every day necessary kind of stuff that turns in World War III. Personally, as soon as I say "Let's get dressed" H runs screaming to her room and sits in a borderline fetal position in the corner (another great strategy for dealing with this has been laying clothes out the night before and getting her dressed the second she wakes up - still half asleep).

Janet's suggestion was to use a song to kind of distract the toddlers from the fact they don't want to be doing whatever it is they don't want to be doing. I used to do this a lot but I've found the more stressed I get the more all my strategies fly out the window and I turn into a crazed monster, so it was good to be reminded. Since then I've been making up excellent songs such as "When you put your leggings on you look so very nice/ Put your top on too and then we'll go and eat some rice" - it actually does work.

I did learn some other useful tips, such as always waiting 15 seconds after an instruction to give them time to process and not even bothering to talk to your child in the middle of a tantrum, as they actually can't function rationally at that point (body contact and a calm attitude is best, naturally). I purchased Janet's book, Why Won't My Child Listen?, because let's face it I read everything and I'm into that kind of thing, but I don't know how necessary it would be to those who aren't obsessive infoholics like myself. Most of her advice was VERY practical and no nonsense, which is in my opinion the best type of advice but not necessarily something you need to pay for.

For me, it was a great reminder to be patient and not always resort to the negative, so it was worth every penny.

Z x



Monday, August 5, 2013

The Nine Lives of Monsieur Bun Bun

My daughter has a stuffed bunny rabbit that somehow ended up with the name "Mr Bun Bun". That's "Bun Bun" for short, which fits in with the other uniquely named items in our house such as Dum Dum (Dummy), Bot Bot (Bottle) and Bum Bum (Bottoms).

Mr Bun Bun is an interesting looking guy. He started out all cute and cuddly, a gift from a friend at my baby shower, but was soon carted everywhere from the park to overseas holidays, and now looks like he's been living life on the streets for at least ten years. Sadly, he is not even a full two years old - he is actually a replacement for the original bun bun, who was sacrificed somewhere on the cobbled streets of a small French village. He was bought for H on her first birthday from her Great Nanna, making him one next month.

Mr Bun Bun II has become even more of an attachment than his predecessor, which means he comes EVERYWHERE with us. Literally everywhere. I try to "forget" him as often as possible because GOD FORBID we're out and another child tries to take him (the horror!) but when I do it's often more trouble than it's worth. Mr Bun Bun is the one, ahem, 'person' guaranteed to soothe a tantrum and help us get from A to B with minimum drama.

The sad side effect of taking Mr Bun Bun wherever we go is that he frequently gets lost. On each occasion that he does go missing, I quake with fear - what will we do without him? We can't replace him - we've tried that. And anyway, he's basically a member of the family. It would just be too sad.

Thankfully it appears Mr Bun Bun has nine lives. More, actually. Try and try again, you just can't keep him down.

He's been lost at daycare, of course, multiple times. In fact he's even been taken home by another child with a verrrrry similar but not-quite-the-same bunny. But we've sorted those ones out.

Then there was the time he was left in a busy park. Overnight. I thought he was a goner. We returned at 7am the next day to find him, covered in a thin layer of dew and sitting up comfortably on a park bench.

We thought we'd never see him again when he disappeared on a long walk between home and our local play centre. The next time we visited the centre I looked in the lost property basket on a hunch and there, low and behold, was Mr Bun Bun. I almost cried that time.

How about in Auckland, when he vanished somewhere in the suburb of Newmarket, where I'd been in and out of approximately 50 shops. I retraced my steps PERFECTLY and found nothing, returning to the car despondent and buying H a really ugly soft toy called "Ugly Bear" to compensate. Driving back I was struck with genius - "THE CUPCAKE SHOP!" - and quickly chucked a U-ey with one last futile hope. He was there.

Just last weekend he was dropped on a bushwalk, but the couple who came down the track after us recognised him as a beloved treasure and propped him up on the side of the track where we couldn't miss him.

And then, finally, there was this weekend past, when we drove north to my parents and realised when we got there he was gone. Dimly, I remembered H playing with him when we got our coffee that morning and thinking to myself "Don't forget Mr Bun Bun." My hopes were low. Surely, I thought, his lives are up.

We walked up the road at 6pm last night, not even thinking the cafe would be open, but it was! At 6pm! On a Sunday! I walked inside with a look of what I hoped was desperation on my face.

"Has anyone handed in a really dilapidated looking bunny?"

"YES! He's out in the back room."

Of course he is. The girls in the cafe looked very excited to have had the bunny claimed, and came out making funny voices and wiggling him at my daughter, who screamed "BUN BUN!!!" in pure delight.

"We thought he looked very loved," said one of the girls.

You don't know the half of it.

Z x