Mother of the Year, Yeah!

After a series of, uh, let's call them "incidents" involving Heike's head versus various pieces of household furniture this week, I've been forced to take a long hard look at my parenting style. I must say it does, upon examination, appear unconventional. I like to think of myself as "laid back" and "free thinking" but others might view me as lazy, careless and flighty (I would call these people "uptight"). 

In light of this I compiled a list of the top five reasons why I will never win a Mother of the Year Award, assuming such things existed and were doled out by parenting Nazis.

They are, as follows:

1) I constantly see risks and yet fail to act upon my observations - I have been known to look at Heike pulling herself onto an object, particularly those with slam-able draws or potentially fatal sharp corners and say aloud "Ooh, that looks dangerous," approximately one second before disaster ensures (fingers are slammed, head is bumped, tears are cried). I'm not entirely sure but I feel like other mothers use the word "No!" and pull their child away. Not I! Live dangerously is my credo (it's not).

2) I have been known to let my daughter eat off the floor - Yesterday I saw Heike eating a strawberry and said happily "Hey, I haven't given you strawberries today! That's resourceful." I then walked back into the kitchen. 'Nuff said.

3) I let my daughter play with my keys, phone and wallet - I'm not sure why but these objects have been deemed "off limits" by responsible parents everywhere. Neglectful parents like myself allow their children to play to their hearts content with such contraband, resulting in destroyed iPhones (vomit kills smart phones, FYI) and awkward moments in cafes where they realise their ATM card is still in their child's cot.

4) I can not make Glad Wrap stick - I always thought that when you gave birth, your body released hormones that enabled you to Glad Wrap lunches and leftovers in taut, neat fashion. Not so. In fact, I think my Glad Wrapping is worse than ever because I'm just too tired and busy to give a shit. Instead I use containers, which go missing for weeks and are then found mould encrusted on the floor of my car.

5) I am generally vague and forgetful - You all know my track record with car keys. I'm getting better but still haven't managed to live down my infamy. I have, in my mothering prowess, burnt boiling potatoes (previously thought impossible). I have also burnt stewing pear (does happen not frequently). I was incredibly proud that I managed to send off Heike's school application but, incidentally, I had enrolled her in the wrong year. I drove 10 minutes to pick up some formula and other groceries, parked and then realised I had left my wallet at home. You get the gist. I don't know about anyone else but when I was a kid, mothers simply did NOT do things like this. Or did they just hide it well?

Despite my shortcomings and the concrete knowledge my parenting won't win me any accolades, I DO have a happy, healthy daughter who gets TONS of cuddles, OODLES of kisses and has lots of laughs with her, ahem, kooky mother.

Z xx