Happy Anniversary, Baby.

Today is mine and J's four year wedding anniversary. Hooray! Most days it feels like those four years have flown, too fast. Some days it feels like they're wearing on a little! Such is the joy of marriage.

These days so many of my friends don't believe in marriage. And why would they? Between the divorce rate and the legalisation and subsequent delegalisation of gay marriage in the ACT and the rising, crazy cost of marriage, it's not exactly appealing. It's also an archaic institution that there is really no legal need for, in terms of having rights in the event of a separation and so forth.

But I am still a massive supporter of marriage.

I was an absolute baby when I got married, in the larger scheme of things. My younger sister is about to turn 22, the age I was when I got engaged, and I look at her and think, wow. But I was always an old soul and always in search of the marriage and kids thing - that was what I wanted to be when I grew up, a wife and a mother. Still, many people questioned WHY we would get married so young, when we really didn't need to.

The Happy Couple

The answer is pretty complex. Obviously as I said, it's something I've always wanted. More than that, I've had a really excellent example of marriage before me my whole life in my parents, who have a wonderful relationship. J also appreciated the long lasting marriage of his parents and the large family they had created. We both wanted to be married before we had kids - that was all we'd known - and we really wanted kids. We also just wanted to make that commitment to each other and have a big party with all our mates to celebrate.

The thing is, marriage did change our relationship. We lived together for 3.5 years before we were married so there was nothing new to discover there. But marriage made our relationship more comfortable. Less complicated. We tried less. We needed less. We became more free.

We were completely aware of our direction, and while we still argued, it was never because of insecurities or doubts. It was because he was home late or I had gotten another parking fine. (J and I really LOVE to argue, also, so we do almost daily on any range of subjects from politics to how many Christmas presents are appropriate for a two year old)

When H was born, I really got a swift lesson in how kids can change your relationship. I remember my Mum telling me that the only thing she and Dad ever argued about (also with relative frequency!) was us kids. This has stuck with me and become clearer and clearer to me on my own parenting journey - see aforementioned argument over Christmas presents. It sounds trite, but I know there are tough times ahead as our children get older and raising them gets more complicated, and I like to think the fact that we are married, that we made that commitment to each other, will get us through. I'm not one to go back on a promise.

Who knows what the future holds. Can I say our relationship will survive anything, that we will never become a statistic? Of course not. There are no guarantees, and life can deal you some rough hands. What I can say is that the last four years have been the happiest of my life, I can't wait to meet the second little baby we made together, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Happy Anniversary, J!

Z x

My First Best Friend

On an entirely non-Mum, non-child related subject today, I've decided to take my lead from the very funny and clever Kerri Sackville and write about My First Best Friend. I started writing this on Monday and was interrupted and have only just had a chance/the energy to get back to it. This week has been full on with J traveling so all I've done in the evening is go to bed and watch Netflix!

I was particularly inspired to join in with this topic as I JUST found my half of the best friend charm we exchanged over twenty years ago. It's a broken half of a heart that says "BEST", and I can just imagine my seven year old self demanding that half, because that's the kind of kid I was.

Annoying.

But it's actually kind of a sweet story, our friendship. We met on the first day of Kindergarten and became fast friends - her name was Kylie and she was the cutest little thing with big coke bottle glasses and a short black bob, the shortest kid in the class to my tallest. We were best friends right up until high school, when she went to the local school and I traveled to a school in the city. But we always remained friendly and our parents are still great mates - we weren't ever the type to fight, given that our personalities were so opposite and we complemented each other well.

Here are some yarns about Kylie and I:

- When we were in Year One, my Mum found us giggling over a note we'd written that said "Jennifer H is a fukking bich". (Funnily enough I traveled on the bus with said Jennifer to high school every day and she was kind of a bich...)

- That same year I was in a bad accident at a local park that resulted in my then four year old brother saving my life by running to some local teenage boys for help. We were on the front page of the paper, and Kylie cut the picture out and hung it next to her bed, where it remained until we were pre-teens.

- Kylie's brother had a bed shaped like a car which, back in those days, was a pretty unique and super cool thing. I may have briefly developed a crush on him as I a) Developed a crush on most boys who spoke to me between ages 10 and 13 and b) Really liked that bed.

- One summer I stepped on an Oyster on the first day of holidays, got stitches and couldn't swim ALL SUMMER (it was probably a week or so in retrospect!). I still remember getting home with my Dad the day I got my stitches out and Kylie and my Mum jumping out from behind the door, with the news that I was going to Kylie's to swim in her brand new IN GROUND SALT WATER POOL (I also had a pool, it was above ground and not saltwater, therefore much less cool).

- We never had a fight.

- Kylie had a sister who, despite being about six years older than us, we gave SUCH a hard time and teased incessantly. She was just one of those easy targets. Her sister has three kids now and as far as I know the whole family still give her a hard time.

- We played on the same soccer team as teenagers despite going to different schools, and while she was gifted with a natural athletic ability I was around 175cm by age 13 and was gifted only with a positive attitude, but she still always passed me the ball and never gave me grief for my sporting ineptitude.

- Kylie's parents were INCREDIBLY racist, which sadly is a pretty common thing where I grew up. It's a small town, kind of in the middle of two big cities, predominantly white with a large indigenous population compared to many other areas. I never saw anyone of Asian heritage until I went to high school - maybe on a trip to the city or Queensland but certainly not in my town. My parents were some of the more liberal minded in the area and always taught us not to discriminate, so the sometimes racist humour of Kylie's family was pretty jarring to me, especially as they were people I spent a lot of time with and loved, really. But I think things like this, things I saw as a kid, have taught me to view things more in grey. I can't tolerate racism but equally I see that it's often lack of education and misinformation that shapes the views of otherwise kind people. I'd like to think that these days I would call them out on it, but I don't know if I'm that gutsy. 

Kylie and I gradually drifted apart over the years, we are COMPLETELY different in many ways but I guess kind of similar in terms of our upbringing and values. She is quite serious and not as out there as me, but I'm sure we would get along if we caught up.

Maybe we should.

Z x

Love.

We had a challenging toddler Sunday today. Funnily enough there were also so many beautiful moments where she had us in stitches and gave us giant hugs and said "I love you" unprompted. But she was in one of those moods where she was willing to fight us on every. single. thing.

Who am I kidding? She was born in that mood!

Deflated, I sat down next to J tonight and asked, "Is it me? What am I doing wrong?"

To which he replied that it's mostly her BIG personality, but I am also a bit of a softie. I really try to be strict, I honestly do, it's just my patience level is a little greater than the average person and she can push me that little farther without my noticing.

"But," he said "I did read a quote the other day that made me think of you."

It was from Alain de Botton, on Twitter.

To love a child so intermittently, it will only dare to show you its good sides. Or so loyally, it will feel safe enough to be vile. 

No matter how vile my child is I will always love her madly - and I guess she knows it. 

Z x

Organised Chaos

I've been meaning to post an update for a while on my rearranging of the play area downstairs to be more consistent with the Montessori method of displaying toys and activities. I had actually had the idea to purchase or make a wooden shelf for toys a while before I got involved with Montessori, but going to PTP and seeing what a difference it makes having a play area that is accessible and organised gave the motivation to finally get it done.

So the first thing I had to do was a giant clear out of a whole lot of toys. We have been given so many hand-me-downs and gifts that we don't need and never would have bought ourselves, and I decided to just be ruthless and pretty much bin anything I don't like that H doesn't absolutely love. Which meant that I did have to keep a giant inflatable dinosaur and a stuffed Spongebob Squarepants doll, but I've hidden them out of sight. Meanwhile, I found a dead huntsman at the bottom of her giant bin of toys, which just goes to show how often she used them!

Once I'd decided what toys I wanted to keep, I made a trip to IKEA. I purchased the Trofast frame with wooden shelves after seeing a few images of other spaces that had used this system on Pinterest. I then purchased some wooden boxes, woven baskets and crocheted pouches in which to store activities. Finally, I bought a rug to serve as the dedicated play/work area.

I was pretty proud of myself the day I built and set all this up - it gave the entire house a fresh, organised feel. We've had the system in place for about three weeks now, and I've been SO happy with it both aesthetically and functionally, as H has been much better (still nowhere near where I'd like) at putting her toys away.

Anyway, here are a few images of what it looks like. I hope it inspires you to get organised too!

Okay so this is actually H's toy kitchen, made by J - amazing right?

He's a clever Dad

The Abacus, also from IKEA

Toy train set, now stored in an IKEA basket

J's childhood Xylophone

Hammering block + activity

Beading activity

Music

Imaginative play

Some baby toys I love...

IKEA stacking rings

The one plastic concession - DUPLO

And...voila!

Z x

The Spirited Child

Another Monday, another Montessori morning. This morning's PTP was not successful, to say the least. H was not interested in going, took thirty minutes to walk the few hundred metres to the school and started up with the willful behaviour the moment we walked in the door. I could just *feel* her mood and was not looking forward to the next two hours, which unfolded exactly as I'd predicted so let's not go into it.

Most of the other parents at the class are lovely, some more understanding than others when it comes to managing a high energy child. The amazing thing to come out of today was that I struck up a conversation with another Mum who told me that H reminds her exactly of her eldest daughter, now five. She explained how the behaviours and personality were exactly the same, and that her daughter is a very smart, funny and loving child who also wants what she wants when she wants it, and will let nothing stand in her way.

Sounds familiar.

Anyway, this Mum a) Made me feel so much better about my morning and b) Gave me lots of amazing advice and encouragement. She spoke about her daughter's feisty and determined nature and her ways of managing it, as well as her frustration that 90% of people have not had a child like this and thus don't know how to address such a child's behaviours.

I completely empathised with this because SO often I see people (strangers, friends, sometimes even family) try to step in with H when her head is just a thunderstorm and I know it will only make it worse. It doesn't bother me as such as I know the intentions are right and they are only reacting to what I understand is unacceptable behaviour, but I just have to sigh when it happens as being her mother I know it's ineffective. There are ways of calming her and soliciting good behaviour that don't involve punishment and stern words (which trust me, I WISH she would respond to but she doesn't) and simply require a little time and patience.

So, we are going to meet for coffee in a couple of weeks so she can tell me more about this little firecracker daughter of hers, and also fill me in on the situation with her German au pair - an arrangement I would love to be able to look at down the road instead of daycare. In the meantime, she gave me the name of a book that she said was pretty much life changing for her.

Taming The Spirited Child is written by American parenting expert Michael Popkin and looks at ways to manage the traditionally labelled "challenging" child. After doing some research I bought two copies so that J and I can read it separately at the same time (not sure that makes sense!). Two things I love about it from the outset is that it recognises that some children are simply "spirited" and that this can be an amazing thing, and that Popkin actually had to use his own techniques on his son, which he admitted to finding difficult but incredibly beneficial.

I am aware also that H is only two, an age which has clearly been branded "terrible" for a reason, and I'm not going to pigeonhole her as exceptionally difficult just yet. But one thing's for sure - the kid's got spirit. Bucket loads of it. So if I can look into taming and channeling that, why not?

Z x