Having it All

It's the cliched question you read and hear ALL the time - Can Women Really Have It All? The successful career, the perfect family, the great relationship and the immaculate health record. The answer, whether you like it or not, is no - we can't have it all. We can have a little from Column A and a little from Column B, but ultimately each area is going to suffer as another gets more TLC.

I'm currently experiencing difficulties (sounds like an outcome on my school report) when trying to decide where my life is headed. That is, how many areas of life I want to or should juggle. Right now I'm on maternity leave, and it already feels like a juggling act. Making sure Heike is fed and happy and entertained, keeping things at home running smoothly (clean, washed, sanitary) and keeping my relationship with my husband healthy and happy, not to mention checking in with myself at the end of the day to ensure I'm still sane (the fact that I need to check this with myself each day suggests I've lost that battle). Adding a return to work into the mix sounds dangerous and thoroughly unappealing.

I'll be honest, I'm not a career woman. I've always viewed work as a means to an end, and for as long as I can remember I've wanted a family. So returning to work isn't high on my radar. On top of this, I have a husband who works ridiculous hours, which means there is little room for us to share parenting outside of normal work hours. These factors, combined with the fact that we're in an okay position financially, led us to decide that I probably wouldn't return to work after having Heike, aside from the odd freelance job.

I'm happy with our decision - to an extent. For one, I have zero desire to actually "work". I mean, I'd be happy to go to work and get paid to sit at a desk, alone, for eight hours, but do I really want to do stuff? No, not really.  Furthermore, the thought of sending my sweet, smiley, easily pleased little girl off to spend each day with someone who isn't me makes me feel physically ill - I'm sure all mothers experience this and it's just something you have to get over, but not having to do it would also be great. Finally, I think when one parent already works so much, it's nice for the child to have someone at home - if you are fortunate enough to have that option.

But then there's that niggling guilty feeling. I should be going back to work, right? It's what everyone does. Wouldn't it be nice for Heike to spend time with people, children, instead of just me? Maybe I'm just lazy? Wouldn't it be nice to have my own income? And so it goes.

If I'm completely honest with myself, I don't want to go back to work. It's the best thing for me and my family. But the guilt surrounding that decision has a lot more to do with societal attitudes and expectations than my own feelings and opinions. Every time I tell someone I'm not going back to work, there's a raised eyebrow. A look of surprise. A split second of judgement. And the guilt creeps back in.

So even though my version of having everything is having a happy, healthy family that I get to spend all my time with, I can't have it all - because I can't feel completely comfortable with my choices. Not yet.