Learning to Say No

These days you wouldn't believe I have a hard time saying no. It's one of my most utilised words with an almost two year old in the house. Generally though, I'm what's known as a "yes" person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint - not by any means. I'll say "yes" and then bitch and moan about it later. But I do find it verrrrry difficult to say no in the first place.

Lately I've realised that all this yes business is wearing me down. It's gotten to the point that I'll not only agree to things that don't really suit me, I'll go out of my way to offer to help people when it's really inconvenient. I have no idea why I do it - it's something in the way I'm programmed.

In my early uni days I lived in a flat with a close girlfriend. One night her boyfriend was over and the two amused themselves by asking me to do random things ("Can you get up and change the channel?" "Can you make us a cup of tea?") before collapsing in laughter - they were having me on.

There's nothing admirable about being a yes person. In fact, it shows many signs of weakness and a desperation for the approval of others. It can also be a dangerous path, leading to anxiety and even depression. So why do we do it?

Of all the yes people out there, the majority seem to be women. It's something about our caring, nurturing natures. Personally, I'm incredibly empathetic and feel things deeply, and on top of this I have this overwhelming NEED to keep the peace - no, it's okay, don't get cranky, don't feel sad, don't be inconvenienced, I'LL DO IT!!!!

Something that I think comes with age is the realisation that not only do you simply not have the time or energy to "do it all",  but if you constantly put yourself out for others you really aren't going to get the same in return. Because for every yes person there are five or six others who have no troubles saying no and doing what suits them best most or all of the time. And that can start to feel really shitty after a while if you're someone who always puts yourself out. But you know what? It's not their fault you're running around trying to please them. It's yours.

So I've started trying to say no. I did it for the first time last week. I'd offered a pregnant friend a lift somewhere, then realised it was actually really inconvenient for me as I wanted to leave to visit my parents prior to that. I mentioned it to my husband, whose response was trademark simple - cancel. I quite literally tossed and turned before deciding to take back my offer. It was SO hard. But it made my day so much easier, and I realised that if I'd upset or inconvenienced my friend it really WASN'T my problem - I can't go through life with the weight of everyone else's problems on my shoulders. I just can't.

One other thing I've learnt in life is that ultimately, you can't change a person. People are programmed the way they're programmed, but you can try to push these qualities to their limits, to work around them, and to continually better yourself. And for me, that means starting to say no, at least once in a while.

Z x