While being a Mum can be difficult at times, it's generally nothing I wasn't prepared for. Sleepless nights were a given. Tantrums, while more difficult to cope with than I probably imagined, were expected. It's shitty when your kids are sick but nothing I can't handle.
The one thing about motherhood that I wasn't prepared for is the constant, unrelenting feeling of guilt that accompanies the role. I swear, 90% of the time I feel guilty about something. And it SUCKS.
This week has been hard, guilt wise. I was struck down with a nasty sinus infection which only cleared up yesterday, so it's safe to say I haven't been on my game, Mum-wise. There's been a little too much TV watching. Not enough lovingly prepared, healthy meals. Lots of snappy moments. Story times have been cut short. And, worst of all, H has been to daycare 3 days IN A ROW for the first time EVER and I feel TERRIBLE.
H started daycare when she was 14 months old on Mondays and Wednesdays and it's never been a problem - she loves it. I also never felt guilty about it as I was working, which I feel is a positive thing for both of us. More recently I left my job and haven't been working on those daycare days. So there's massive guilt surrounding that, but I don't want to pull her out as I want to keep her place for when I start working again.
Meanwhile, we've changed her days to Wednesday/Thursday - this was going to be the first week of two consecutive days, then we went and upped the intensity by asking for an extra day on Tuesday because I was confined to bed. Because J had to drop off and pick up on Tuesday, she was at daycare pretty much from 7.30 until 6, which BROKE MY HEART - I was actually covered in blankets sobbing at 5.30pm imagining her waiting for me. Then both yesterday and today she has told me that she is "Not going to daycare anymore again!" which just fills me with self worth.
Ultimately I have to continually remind myself that these are really small things and are not going to affect her long-term - she will not remember this one week that she had three long days at daycare (which of course many kids do, but their Mums are working!), and she will not become a serial killer just because she watches TV for 45 minutes each evening.
When I do cook her beautiful meals she doesn't actually eat them, and for all those mistakes I do make she's pretty damn lucky to be loved and cared for as much and as well as she is. I mean, I'm a disorganised, indulgent sap most of the time but I couldn't love the kid more. Still, the guilt lingers.
I even feel guilt towards my unborn child - guilty that I don't get time to sit and daydream about him/her as much as I did with H, guilty that I haven't eaten as well or exercised as much as I did the first time, guilty for that wine I had with dinner the other night and guilty that as loved and wanted as s/he is it's sadly all about bossy big sister at the moment. It's exhausting!
As much as I talk myself down, I just don't think the guilt will ever leave me - it comes with the territory, right?
What have you felt guilty about this week?
Z x
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